I feel better. I really do. I don’t think about you every minute anymore. Just every 20 min or so. Anytime I’m alone I think about you. I’m not okay. I told you I could be friends with you, idk why. I guess I am just tired of pretending that I hate you and don’t want to talk to you. I do. I want to talk to you everyday and I want you to call me baby again, and I want to kiss you and wake up knowing I’m going to talk to you all day. I want to see your face on snap chat like I used to everyday. I want you to miss me. But I know that the only thing you think about when you think of me is how you hurt me and how you are sorry. What do I think about when I think of you? Not that you hurt me. I think about you not wanting me. I think about how much I want you still. It’s really pathetic. You are in love and in a relationship with somebody that you see everyday and spend so much time with, and now you have way more memories with her then you will ever have with me. Idk I guess I just wish I knew what I could have done differently. To make you stay. What I could have done to make you love me. I didn’t think I loved you. But the moment you left, I felt empty, and all I wanted was for you to come back. I know it’s too late now, and that I will never call you mine again, but I still hope. I still day dream about it. That you will text me and tell me that it was a mistake. That us not staying together was wrong and that you love me and not her. But you don’t. And so I will continue to try and heal everyday and everytime I see your name pop up on anything, my heart will drop, thinking that it’s that text that I daydream about. But I’ll be okay. Watching somebody you love, walk further and further away from you, hand in hand with another girl..is definately not easy. It’s like a knife to my heart every time. But I will get through it. I will be okay.

At first, all I did was blame you. Your an ass hole, your an idiot, how dare you break my heart. But the more time I have had to think about it, the more I realize that the pain I feel is my fault, not yours. The reason I ever had doubts about liking you it wanting to talk to you wasn’t out of disinterest, but because I knew your reputation. Your the guy that very girl wants, but you won’t settle down. I knew I had never heard of you having a serious and long relationship with anybody, ever, and that bothered me. But even knowing that, I decided that I was gunna go for it anyways, after all you made me feel so special like I was so different to you, I thought that maybe it would be different with me, that you would stay. So after time passed and I grew more and more attached to you over the course of about a year I was finally all in with you. You weren’t perfect, you had hurt me but I looked passed it because, idk why I just couldn’t stand the thought of cutting you out of my life, so I forgave you, multiple times. And I don’t regret that. It gave me a little more time with you at least. Then 2-weeks before college comes. You started to act weird. You weren’t really talking to me, and I thought I did something wrong. I thought you were mad at me. Little did I know that you had been thinking about things and making decisions in your own head without discussing with me at all until you had already made up your mind. Then you said you wanted to talk,you came over. I wanted so badly for things to be normal, but I could tell they weren’t. Towards the end of the night we brought up going away to school. You didn’t think it would work at all, and I wanted nothing more but to at least try, but I wasn’t going to say that. You had made up your mind a long time before you came to my house. So we said goodnight, nothing concluded. You kissed me goodbye. I cried when you left because I knew it would be the last time I would ever get to kiss you. But I still hoped. So we go to college, and we hadn’t broken things off officially. Then it started happening. Piece by piece you deleted me from your life. First you stopped texting me. Then you deleted me on all social medias. Then you moved on. After just 2 months you were “kinda talking to somebody”. Now I feel you forget about me more and more everyday, which is good for you I guess. I think about you everyday. How much I miss you. And hate this entire sotuation. But I have come to realize that you are not to blame. After all, you were just being you, and that’s okay. I knew in my guy from the very beginning what you were like. And it was my fault for thinking that it would be different with me. It was my fault for letting myself fall for you. And it is my fault, that my heart is broken.

I crave you more and more each day, and as I slowly feel you slipping away and forgetting me as I go to sleep at night, I feel an almost unbearable pain in my chest. Tears streaming down my face I lie to myself, and say that you miss me. That you won’t be able to be happy with somebody else so quickly. But deep down, I know I have lost you. And as you might be okay with that fact, I am not. During the day it’s bad enough, with little bursts of a pain in my chest every time my phone gets a text and it’s not you. But at night, all I am left with as I try to fall asleep and hold back my tears are the thoughts of you forgetting me. Even though you are all that I think about all day long. Thanks for letting me fall so hard, then leaving me here like this.

My heart aches a lot tonight. I am not crying myself to sleep which is nice. I miss you so much. I miss us. Why don’t you? :/ I wonder if you still think about me all the time. If you want to text me and just stop yourself. That is what I want to believe and what I hope for deep down. But I doubt that’s the case. I bet you are with that other girl right now probably cuddling with her and saying sweet things to her like you always did with me. Now I sit alone in my bed, and I wish you would want me again. But you don’t. And it’s killing me. The pain in my chest right now feels so heavy and so..just sad. :( I miss you.

I don’t even know what to think. I know there isn’t anything left for us. You don’t want to be with me, that is clear. But I am so heartbroken even after 2 months and I don’t know what to do to stop it. I have tried talking to other guys. I even went on a date! The entire time all I could think about was you. And it is ridiculous. I am making myself look so pathetic like a love sick puppy dog and I hate it. But I just can’t stop thinking about how every day I think about you non stop and everyday you forget about me and us more and more until soon you will be able to look at me and feel nothing. I know it’s going to happen and just that thought alone breaks my heart. Especially because I can’t do it. I can’t let go of that invisible hope that your gunna text me one day and just say everything is going to be normal again. I’m so exhausted from crying every night and just being sad. When will this end. I hope soon darling. Because i am going insane.